Elementary school where I stared at the clouds during recess because I had no friends?
6th grade where no one I liked liked me back?
8th grade where I trusted Stewart by coming out, only to be outed by him later on? Where I started to like Tejeda but realized I wasn't better than Li?
I could go on, but that'd just be even more depressing. I just don't get it. (Warning, terrible simile coming up) It's like... being in some dirt pit, and with every attempt to climb out, it gets deeper as this stupid hole fills with mud. That probably didn't even make sense, but it did in my head. Anywho, this is a pretty friggin' depressing post. But I guess it's just how I've been feeling recently. I hate telling people about this kind of stuff not only because it's one of those day-ruining things, but I've heard so many times that no one likes a self-deprecating, self-loathing, weak person. Heck, I can try my hardest to make a facade of resoluteness and confidence, (which apparently works on my schoolmates) but really, who am I fooling? I hate myself. I hate a lot of things around me. What the hell.
On a slightly less eye-gouging note, I hate North Carolina. I hate it here. Everything is so far away, and there's no transportation. Sigh. Plus, I get really bad allergies here. I think it's all the lack of polluted Boston air.
I was talking to Fergson the other day about college. He advises I don't go to WPI, so I'm not really sure what I should do for a reasonable reach school. There's a very small chance I'll make it to Tufts, but a 40 dollar gamble I shall take. I really don't want to just go to a stupid UMASS school. I mean, I know they're not the worst, but I guess I just want to outshine my brothers. A little sibling rivalry never hurt, right? But even if I do make it into Tufts, I have no idea what major I want to get into. I guess my default would be Biology, but what the freak am I going to do with a biology degree? Should I take a pre-vet track? Should I try to become a teacher? Uhg. This angst about ruining my future is killing me. Maybe Fergson is right. I should find a boyfriend to screw it out of me.
Who am I kidding? I honestly believe that not a soul would want to date me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'd love to go out with someone, but who would want to go out with me? Just look at the first paragraph. On top of that, how the heck do gay guys find other gay guys? I don't have a gaydar. I've never met any gay guys in person. Freakin' A, I can't even meet a gay guy online. Aw god. I'll just mark the end of this stupid, typical teenager-y post here.
