Elementary school where I stared at the clouds during recess because I had no friends?
6th grade where no one I liked liked me back?
8th grade where I trusted Stewart by coming out, only to be outed by him later on? Where I started to like Tejeda but realized I wasn't better than Li?
I could go on, but that'd just be even more depressing. I just don't get it. (Warning, terrible simile coming up) It's like... being in some dirt pit, and with every attempt to climb out, it gets deeper as this stupid hole fills with mud. That probably didn't even make sense, but it did in my head. Anywho, this is a pretty friggin' depressing post. But I guess it's just how I've been feeling recently. I hate telling people about this kind of stuff not only because it's one of those day-ruining things, but I've heard so many times that no one likes a self-deprecating, self-loathing, weak person. Heck, I can try my hardest to make a facade of resoluteness and confidence, (which apparently works on my schoolmates) but really, who am I fooling? I hate myself. I hate a lot of things around me. What the hell.
On a slightly less eye-gouging note, I hate North Carolina. I hate it here. Everything is so far away, and there's no transportation. Sigh. Plus, I get really bad allergies here. I think it's all the lack of polluted Boston air.
I was talking to Fergson the other day about college. He advises I don't go to WPI, so I'm not really sure what I should do for a reasonable reach school. There's a very small chance I'll make it to Tufts, but a 40 dollar gamble I shall take. I really don't want to just go to a stupid UMASS school. I mean, I know they're not the worst, but I guess I just want to outshine my brothers. A little sibling rivalry never hurt, right? But even if I do make it into Tufts, I have no idea what major I want to get into. I guess my default would be Biology, but what the freak am I going to do with a biology degree? Should I take a pre-vet track? Should I try to become a teacher? Uhg. This angst about ruining my future is killing me. Maybe Fergson is right. I should find a boyfriend to screw it out of me.
Who am I kidding? I honestly believe that not a soul would want to date me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'd love to go out with someone, but who would want to go out with me? Just look at the first paragraph. On top of that, how the heck do gay guys find other gay guys? I don't have a gaydar. I've never met any gay guys in person. Freakin' A, I can't even meet a gay guy online. Aw god. I'll just mark the end of this stupid, typical teenager-y post here.
Wow dude, that was intense.
ReplyDeleteI recognise my old self in this whole post and I can understand everything you say. When I reach that point I thought I was unable to do anything, that that was me and my future, the whole hating-myself-thing. But I didn't want to feel like that anymore, and I just told to myself: If you don't like you, then DO something for fuck sake, do something. And I did. I hated my body, I hated my face, and that whole hating-my-image-shit was really getting me in deep shit so I decided to change myself.
Now, I'm not a 100% happy with myself but I've lost 9 kg and I've got a new haircut (gayer btw XD) and I'm still on the process but I'm already feeling much better about myself and more confident.
Just remember something, you're the only one that can take you out of your situation.
I'm this guy by the way.
ReplyDeletehttp://shakingmyself.tumblr.com/
I wrote that upper comment just so you can see my blog too. The other account is because of my youtube channel.
ReplyDeleteI know, to a point, where you are coming from, even though I am not gay and a 45 year old married woman. I felt the same way in school and I think most kids do, no matter where they are from or what kind of family life they have, it's jsut part of growing up. As for meeting a guy perfect for you, it wil happen when you least expect it. You seem like a pretty nice person, so please don't think bad about yourself.
ReplyDeleteAs for school, I can't really give you advice on that because I had no desire to go to college. I HATED school from day one of kindergarden and I went as little as possible once I made it to high school. I quit after my junior year, flat out refused to go back, but I had my GED before my class ever went back for senior year. I did not have many friends either, I was pretty much an outcast, but I didn't let it bother me much, I still don't. I look at it this way, you either like me or not, if you do, that's great, if not, oh well, it's your loss, not mine. I've been that way pretty much my whole life.
My advice for you, is to take one day at a time, ignore the idiots, embrace those who are different, you are better than the idiots!!!