RE: Dear 18 year old self

Dear 18 year old  self,
If you haven’t told anyone yet, I suppose that’s understandable but your 15 year old self was so close at some point. At some point you want to tell people. But at that same point you where also way too scared. Perhaps you leanred to fce your fears but if you don’t, I know exactly how you feel. I guess I’d be disappointed in you, but I’m sure you can say the same thing to me. Does of feel that much more different? Is what matt said true? Do you ever regret it? Do you ever wish you weren’t? Never the less they know who you are?
Anyways, I hope you made it to cornell or tufts. At least umass Amherst. Well good luck where ever you may be.
Where’s jasmine and Jada? Well I guess more importantly… Do you know where they are? Do you know what they’re doing? Sometimes I have no faith in us. Sometimes I don’t really think we’d last. I love them and everything buy I can’t help but feel doubt.
How’s it going with tiffany Quincy mason an nathan? Is tiffany still with mike? Is quincy still all depressed? Is mason still as irresponceable? Is nathan still chasing nothing?

15

Welp, I’ll have you know, 15 year old self, I have come out, and to quite a few people. Granted not everyone, but progress is progress nonetheless. But I guess what’s more important than how many people you’ve come out to is how you’ve—oh god I have to say it—come out to yourself. I don’t want to say that you hate being gay, but by no means do you love it. You do have enough dignity to tell most new people that you’re gay, although there’s still a moment of hesitation before saying the bitter-sweet words. 

Yes, you got into Tufts. But as you neared your senior year, you realized neither Cornell nor Tufts are what you’re looking for. And with that said, I’m going to Tufts next year. Your new top choices, UPenn and NYU, didn’t accept you. 

The three of you are still friends. Better friends evens. And add Andy and Mohamed to that circle, and you have one of the most dysfunctional, awesome coteries you could ask for. We’ll see how things work out in a few months with Jada going to NYU, Jasmine going to UMass Amherst, Mohamed going to Wheelock, and Andy going to UMass Boston. I’m sure we’ll make it work. I hope we do. I want to hear all of their stories and I want them to hear all of mine. 

Sorry life doesn’t seem like what you imagined, buddy. I tried. 

My Life as of 2012

I haven't made a post on here in a really long time.

But I need to vent somewhere probably no one will read.

I'm sick of life-- sick of school, sick of teachers, sick of being here, sick of being alone, sick of being unsatisfied with life, sick of being sick. I don't get it. Maybe it is senioritis, but I never imagined it being this difficult: to know that you're so close to being there, but at the same time, you still have months to go. In the gran scheme of things, months are nothing; they're relatively insignificant to all the hard work I've put in, getting straight A's and the occasional B+. But I'm just throwing it all away with an apathetic hand. I really don't care sometimes, but I come to regret it right after. Not doing homework, not doing assignments, not wanting to do anything-- it's all killing me. What the hell am I doing?

I just need these next few months to go by faster and be kind to me. I really really want to go to either NYU or UPenn. UPenn's a stretch, but I think I have a shot at NYU. I need to get out of here. I need to do something different. I need to stop lying around, waiting for something to happen, when 17 years of being here has told me nothing will.