RE: Dear 18 year old self

Dear 18 year old  self,
If you haven’t told anyone yet, I suppose that’s understandable but your 15 year old self was so close at some point. At some point you want to tell people. But at that same point you where also way too scared. Perhaps you leanred to fce your fears but if you don’t, I know exactly how you feel. I guess I’d be disappointed in you, but I’m sure you can say the same thing to me. Does of feel that much more different? Is what matt said true? Do you ever regret it? Do you ever wish you weren’t? Never the less they know who you are?
Anyways, I hope you made it to cornell or tufts. At least umass Amherst. Well good luck where ever you may be.
Where’s jasmine and Jada? Well I guess more importantly… Do you know where they are? Do you know what they’re doing? Sometimes I have no faith in us. Sometimes I don’t really think we’d last. I love them and everything buy I can’t help but feel doubt.
How’s it going with tiffany Quincy mason an nathan? Is tiffany still with mike? Is quincy still all depressed? Is mason still as irresponceable? Is nathan still chasing nothing?

15

Welp, I’ll have you know, 15 year old self, I have come out, and to quite a few people. Granted not everyone, but progress is progress nonetheless. But I guess what’s more important than how many people you’ve come out to is how you’ve—oh god I have to say it—come out to yourself. I don’t want to say that you hate being gay, but by no means do you love it. You do have enough dignity to tell most new people that you’re gay, although there’s still a moment of hesitation before saying the bitter-sweet words. 

Yes, you got into Tufts. But as you neared your senior year, you realized neither Cornell nor Tufts are what you’re looking for. And with that said, I’m going to Tufts next year. Your new top choices, UPenn and NYU, didn’t accept you. 

The three of you are still friends. Better friends evens. And add Andy and Mohamed to that circle, and you have one of the most dysfunctional, awesome coteries you could ask for. We’ll see how things work out in a few months with Jada going to NYU, Jasmine going to UMass Amherst, Mohamed going to Wheelock, and Andy going to UMass Boston. I’m sure we’ll make it work. I hope we do. I want to hear all of their stories and I want them to hear all of mine. 

Sorry life doesn’t seem like what you imagined, buddy. I tried. 

My Life as of 2012

I haven't made a post on here in a really long time.

But I need to vent somewhere probably no one will read.

I'm sick of life-- sick of school, sick of teachers, sick of being here, sick of being alone, sick of being unsatisfied with life, sick of being sick. I don't get it. Maybe it is senioritis, but I never imagined it being this difficult: to know that you're so close to being there, but at the same time, you still have months to go. In the gran scheme of things, months are nothing; they're relatively insignificant to all the hard work I've put in, getting straight A's and the occasional B+. But I'm just throwing it all away with an apathetic hand. I really don't care sometimes, but I come to regret it right after. Not doing homework, not doing assignments, not wanting to do anything-- it's all killing me. What the hell am I doing?

I just need these next few months to go by faster and be kind to me. I really really want to go to either NYU or UPenn. UPenn's a stretch, but I think I have a shot at NYU. I need to get out of here. I need to do something different. I need to stop lying around, waiting for something to happen, when 17 years of being here has told me nothing will.

Taylor Swift

Watched my first concert today with Shanon and her friend. It could have been worse, but Taylor Swift wouldn't have been the first person that would come to mind when it comes to someone I'd like to see live. Though Nicki Minaj really did steal the night with "Super Bass." It was fun; I'm glad I went

One day, I'll be able to make myself happy... without the aid of material things, or other people. Just myself.

I long for that day.

Bucket List #2

Before I die, I want to fall in requited love.

Losing

I was going to say that this kind of stuff only happens once in a while, but then I realized I'd be lying. This probably happens every other day.

So.

Every other day, I'll fall into this random... random pit of depression. It's weird. Almost always it's about being gay. I guess recently, I've come to pin point one problem I have yet to overcome.

I let them win.

You know, the homophobes, the ones with pickets and loudspeakers-- those guys. One thing they say always gets to me. No, it's not faggot, or "you're going to hell." When someone puts homosexuals on the same level as pedophiles and zoophiles and necrophiles and the like, I can't think of a single reason as to why they're wrong.

Sure, you can say "children don't understand love" or "animals don't know what they're doing; it's purely for procreative purpose," but doesn't that undermine the whole "accepting love in all forms" motto gays have come to adopt? I mean, homosexual relationships are deviant, just as any relationship in NAMBLA. I... I can't help but agree with them-- the homophobes. I identify myself with pedophiles and zoophiles and... and I let them win.

I mean, isn't the point of their damnation to make us hate ourselves? To make us want to change? To let us know that we're depraved? To tell us that there's something wrong with us? To show us that our pride in such sick lifestyles is shameful?

Well, they've won. Because sometimes, or a lot of the time, I believe them. Heck, as I was writing that up there, I believed what I wrote.

I feel terrible about myself. I thought I was really coming around to the whole "self-acceptance" crap, but really, who am I kidding? I hate myself. But most importantly, I hate myself for letting them win.

Bucket list

I've been watching The Burried Life, a show about four guys going around doing things on their bucket list, whilst helping others with something on theirs. Every episode, they ask the same question: what do you want to do before you die?

I guess this is a place as good as any other to write this kind of stuff.

#67 Go through the process of obtaining meat (raise an animal, kill it, cook it)