It was a hot Wednesday, and i was going to get my hair cut. Candy had thought that they had a meeting right after school so we where at Tufts Hospital. Jada was in the bathroom and of course i awkwardly stand outside. After a while of very awkward waiting, an old Asian lady walks up to a broken water fountain trying to wash some prunes or something. Shes asks me in English. "How to work this?" or something equally broken. I reply in Cantonese
"I think its broken"
"Oh, You're Asian. Thanks"
And she walks away. Later, I go to SuperCuts, and the lady who cuts my hair cut my hair really weird. I asked for it shorter. And then shorter. Until it became as short as one of my old haircuts. My long black hair fell to the floor and i realized, there was nothing special about this haircut. It looks the same as when i used to get it next to SunSun. But i went there, baring in mind that i would look different. I would no longer look how i did. Maybe i would look more attractive. Maybe i would look less American. Maybe, i would look more Asian. I'm pretty sure i didnt think of this when i was getting my haircut, but now that i think about it, it all makes sense. I cant balance it. I cant balance different aspects of my life. I cant.

What...am i doing?..

Ive had an hour to think about it. Its 4:30 and i think what i envy most, is stability. Im so jelous of people with stability. People who care. People who understand. People who they can relate to. People with hundreds of friends. People with everything they could ever want. People who know what theyre doing. I think thats why i feel strange when i think of korey. I feel like he knows what hes doing. Like he knows where hes going. I feel like his life is so stable. And im so jealous. I cant lie. Part of the reason is because hes white, and im not. What Quincy said was true. Asians are so lame.

"We received over 360 applications for only 75 jobs. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a job this summer" I guess im just not good enough.

God dammit, i have no idea what I'm doing with myself. I want to get away. I want to stay here. I hate going there. Hockey was amazing and Just cooking food was fun. It felt safe. It felt... like home. I have no idea. I feel horrible just saying this. There's something about being with them that makes everything seem... right.

Its the first day without them since theyre in Canada. I've done some reflection and ive decided... i am one of the most non-social people in the world. I have no idea why i always get nervous when i talk to someone. I'm not even comfortable with myself, what makes me think I can be comfortable with someone else?

Its 3:30 and i feel extremely strange. Whenever i think about hockey or Randolf or Korey or anything. I feel weird. I feel like something is so wrong, but so right. I have no idea. I fucking hate this feeling. I need to sleep, but i cant. I cant. I need this school year to be over. I need it to end.

What am i even doing? MIT about lasers? Students taking charge? I'm pretending to be someone i'm not. I'm pretending to be someone who i want to be, and i know im failing. This is not me. Who am i?