Another Incoherent Post #2

I'm scared. I'm really scared. Every day, I grow less and less self-assured and less aware of who I am. This doesn't really have anything to do with being gay though, which is actually very very nice. (I'll have to write an update on my journey in discovering being gay some other time) I'm worry about things people do at my age e.g. my freaking major/future. I have no idea what I want to become anymore. I've thought of a few. They're in order of appeal.

Veterinarian- I have very little faith in this. The stuff we're doing in Biology is insanely difficult and I'm sure it's barely anything by relative comparison. And I'm not sure I can dedicate 8+ years after high school to something I'm not sure about anymore. I love biology and animals and everything, but I'm losing faith. Quickly.

Teacher- I like being able to teach people. Well, it might just be that I like telling people stuff, but that's beside the point. (I mean, that's all teachers do, right?) The teaching/telling is the problem. I'm like, socially retarded (according to a certain hyper-masculine and Christian teacher).

Artist- I never put in enough work into a piece because I'm scared it'll turn out terrible and that would just show how terrible of an artist I am. I love drawing, but I know I'm not good enough. Plus, is being an artist really a job?

Chef-I'm not nearly good enough to become a chef. I guess I just like to cook. That doesn't make me a chef. Come on now.

Hairdresser- I've never really given this much thought since I don't think it's something I could see myself doing. I mean, I love playing with Alexander, Lam and Tejeda's hair, but that's not indicative of a career choice. Is it?

Anyways, I guess I still have some time to figure this all out. But time's been working out because it's running a whole lot faster than it was before.

I didn't think I was going to write about him, but I think I have my first crush. Well it's on some guy online, so take that as you will. I'll just call him Richard since that's technically his last name. He's insanely cute. Insanely. He's like, 18 or something so that doesn't help either. But he seems rather shallow and conceited, but that's all some kind of facade that sits in front of some very hollow and lonely boy. Well, I guess I'm just speculating. I may just be in lust, but hey, it's not going to work out anyways-- why not creep?

I'm about to be a senior. A freaking senior. This school is crazy if they expect us to be able to do this whole IB thing and the whole college thing at the same time next year. I mean, it's failing this year, and we don't even have to worry about college yet.

Tiffany wants to move out, like, soon. As in she's going to open houses and stuff. I want to move out with her, but I'm scared I'll be taking up space with no way to help with the mortgage. Plus, I'm not sure if she'd want me there with her. I dont know. This whole thing is pretty confusing.

I need someone to talk to. I'd love to talk to Tiffany, but I feel like she doesn't care sometimes. Or she doesn't understand. I miss being able to tell Alexander absolutely anything that mattered, but I'd like to think I've gotten better at being alone. Well, better than when she first started going out with Li, at least.

I don't understand society. I don't understand the norms and how it works and the stigma behind certain things. I just... don't understand. I'll probably have to write another post about that since I can go on and on about it.

I still think characterization in terms of the whole "three egos" thing. I'd like to think I can look at myself objectively, but I probably can't. I see myself as... bitter and cold and stupid and ugly and awkward and weird and just... someone that you wouldn't want to be around. But all of this has been subjected to my perception of my own being. I hate myself more and more every day.

Random Post #4

It seems you need at least a 2000 on the SAT to even think about applying to Tufts. Grrrr. I need to pull 300 points out of no where. I was under the impression that a 172 on the PSAT was OK, but I guess that was only relative. So... aim - 2000 on the SAT. I gotzzzzzz this.

I absolutely LOVE Tumblr. Well, more specifically, I have a huge crush on a guy on there. His name is Skeffington. He seems sweet and broken. And he's like, super-duper cute.

I'm starting to slack off in school. All of these stupid IB external assessments are a total pain. They take up so much time, and make you turn a blind eye to all the other assignments that are due. Freaking Math assessment can go kill itself. And Biology notes can go burn in a ditch. I don't understand the point in forcing students to take notes. Like, come on now. Spanish is too easy. All the other kids in that class are pretty slow, and I'm not sure why they're not in the other Spanish class. I freaking got like, 106 last term because of how much she had to scale the grades. English is just tedious. She gives constant work, yet we never seem to get them back. I don't understand. Theatre can go dig that ditch that Bio is in and make it deeper and fill it back in with cement. I don't even understand the point in that class. He has such high expectations, yet his execution is a giant steamy pile of fail. He pretty much admits it too, which is hilarious. History is pointless. I don't even want to talk about it. Sigh. I freaking hate this school so much.

Actually, I do want to talk a bit about History. Well, Mr. Chang specifically. I like how he has to audacity to come in to our debate practice, and tell everyone not to pick me as captain because I missed half a tournament and can't go on Mondays. Like, sorry I had family obligations. Something I'm sure you're real familiar with seeing as how you're never at practice nor tournaments, "coach". I love hypocrites. And sorry I took up an opportunity that I found far more important that debate. Screw you. Watch me become captain. No one else is more fit on the team than I. Don't even play that shit.

Speaking of opportunities, shadowing Dr. Doyle has definitely been interesting. I was under the impression that being a vet was a lot like being a doctor, where patients would come rushing in and out all the time with broken this or that and hemorrhagic who's or what's. But it's not... it's calm and quite and somewhat mundane? I'm not sure if it's something I'd like to spend the rest of my life doing. The most memorable quote in Burlesque had to be "I looked around and didn't see a single person's life I wanted" or something to that extent. I know it sounds harsh, but I look around, and I see nothing.

Another Incoherent Post

I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now. I'm just sitting around waiting for something magical to happen. For something to fall out of the sky. For life to magically start getting better. For college to start and high school to be over. For some boy to come sweep me off my feet. For some answer to pop into my head. For something. Something not this. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm waiting. Waiting and waiting but what has that gotten me so far? I guess it doesn't help that I go around hating things all the time. Well, proactive steps, anyone?

I think high school's taught me to be cynical. Or maybe I'm just innately cynical. \

By the way, being required to take notes is stupid. It's like being required to study; I thought they were for our own benefit and optional.

Today's March 7, 2011 and I weigh 125-130.

I demand to get to 140 - 145 by the end of the school year. I DEMAND IT!

Raspberry Lemonade Blast

I remember some episode of Glee where Chord asked Santa (Oh... maybe the Christmas episode? LOL) for chapstick. Lots and lots of chapstick. I though, what kind of wish is that?! But now I know. Now, I want lots and lots of chapstick. Especially those that taste amazing.

But they always seem to get lost somehow. Like, theres just some hole in my pocket where all my chapsticks fall into oblivion. Yup. Story of my life.