Another Incoherent Post #2

I'm scared. I'm really scared. Every day, I grow less and less self-assured and less aware of who I am. This doesn't really have anything to do with being gay though, which is actually very very nice. (I'll have to write an update on my journey in discovering being gay some other time) I'm worry about things people do at my age e.g. my freaking major/future. I have no idea what I want to become anymore. I've thought of a few. They're in order of appeal.

Veterinarian- I have very little faith in this. The stuff we're doing in Biology is insanely difficult and I'm sure it's barely anything by relative comparison. And I'm not sure I can dedicate 8+ years after high school to something I'm not sure about anymore. I love biology and animals and everything, but I'm losing faith. Quickly.

Teacher- I like being able to teach people. Well, it might just be that I like telling people stuff, but that's beside the point. (I mean, that's all teachers do, right?) The teaching/telling is the problem. I'm like, socially retarded (according to a certain hyper-masculine and Christian teacher).

Artist- I never put in enough work into a piece because I'm scared it'll turn out terrible and that would just show how terrible of an artist I am. I love drawing, but I know I'm not good enough. Plus, is being an artist really a job?

Chef-I'm not nearly good enough to become a chef. I guess I just like to cook. That doesn't make me a chef. Come on now.

Hairdresser- I've never really given this much thought since I don't think it's something I could see myself doing. I mean, I love playing with Alexander, Lam and Tejeda's hair, but that's not indicative of a career choice. Is it?

Anyways, I guess I still have some time to figure this all out. But time's been working out because it's running a whole lot faster than it was before.

I didn't think I was going to write about him, but I think I have my first crush. Well it's on some guy online, so take that as you will. I'll just call him Richard since that's technically his last name. He's insanely cute. Insanely. He's like, 18 or something so that doesn't help either. But he seems rather shallow and conceited, but that's all some kind of facade that sits in front of some very hollow and lonely boy. Well, I guess I'm just speculating. I may just be in lust, but hey, it's not going to work out anyways-- why not creep?

I'm about to be a senior. A freaking senior. This school is crazy if they expect us to be able to do this whole IB thing and the whole college thing at the same time next year. I mean, it's failing this year, and we don't even have to worry about college yet.

Tiffany wants to move out, like, soon. As in she's going to open houses and stuff. I want to move out with her, but I'm scared I'll be taking up space with no way to help with the mortgage. Plus, I'm not sure if she'd want me there with her. I dont know. This whole thing is pretty confusing.

I need someone to talk to. I'd love to talk to Tiffany, but I feel like she doesn't care sometimes. Or she doesn't understand. I miss being able to tell Alexander absolutely anything that mattered, but I'd like to think I've gotten better at being alone. Well, better than when she first started going out with Li, at least.

I don't understand society. I don't understand the norms and how it works and the stigma behind certain things. I just... don't understand. I'll probably have to write another post about that since I can go on and on about it.

I still think characterization in terms of the whole "three egos" thing. I'd like to think I can look at myself objectively, but I probably can't. I see myself as... bitter and cold and stupid and ugly and awkward and weird and just... someone that you wouldn't want to be around. But all of this has been subjected to my perception of my own being. I hate myself more and more every day.