Calluses

It's probably just an excuse just to not have to say anything, but I figured I just have to build thicker skin. I was trying to convince myself that if the same insults were applied to any other of my (few) traits, I would probably not find them as insulting. Like being Asian, for example. I typically don't find insults about my race insulting, but that's only because there was no real reason to not accept it. My whole family is Asian (obviously), and it's never been something I should be ashamed of. But when it comes to being gay, it's a whole new story.

I don't know anyone who's gay that also knows I'm gay in person, so there hasn't been a whole lot of help in terms what's the "norm". There aren't any gay people here that assure me that I'm not a freak, I guess is what I'm getting at. I'm guess I'm trying to do this whole "acceptance" thing on my own, and I figure one way to do so is to just take it for now. To take the (indirect) insults until I'm not offended. But for now, I guess it's just a game of waiting

Alexander

I never thought i'd see the day that I would write about her. I don't want this to turn out like one of those stories where the person says that they still love the person they're talking about but that person sounds like a total bitch ( I hope that made sense ).

There are few people I can say I truly love. And by few, I mean two. She... is one of them.

She talks to me a lot about Tejeda, and more often than not, it's fairly negative. Apparently Li has always liked Alexander even when he was going out with Tejeda. And despite her warnings, Alexander has fallen for him. It didn't come as a surprise that this day would come, but I guess I never thought everyone would be so matter-of-fact about it. The thing is, though, Tejeda gets a fair amount of backlash for these warnings. Then again, the warning didn't come off as beneficial to Alexander, but more so a how-could-you-have-broken-a-bestfriend-code kind of thing that revolved around her. So I'm not going to be another one of those people. I'm glad to see that she's happy with her new friends. I know I'm not the most pleasant to be around nor the most fun. I know it's wrong for me to want her to myself. I know it's wrong for me to think she's taken everything from me since she gave me pretty much everything I had and was everything. My gray sister. My bestfriend. My only friend. And she's gone. I know it's wrong. This all probably sounds really pathetic.

I doubt she'll read this anyways. And she's the only one i know in real life that knows this blog's URL, so no one can tell her about this. Of course there's always the voice in the back of my head secretly wishing that she would read it, and tell me that she's not gone.

Slightly Really Insane.

I have another blog somewhere. I don't remember the URL for it, but i remember why i started it. Quite similar to this one, it started off with posts that would make people think I'm slightly really insane. Posts that were just random thoughts about how messed up life can get.
As teenager-y of me as this seems, I can't help but quote a song(Lost by Micheal Buble):
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy, but you're not

I guess the most ruthless and exciting my life has been was when i was infatuated with Tejeda. She was... amazing. She loved me. I thought i loved her. (I'm sure you know why I didn't) We did some pretty stupid things together. Like cutting. This was in no way her fault. But she did start this trend. There were about 10 kids in our grade who cut themselves out of about 80. I never actually cut myself though. I would run a needle deep enough to hurt, but it would never bleed. I thought it wouldn't show, but turns out I was too stupid to see it.
But that's not really what this post is about. We used to steal too. It was really stupid. We stole from places like CVS and Sephora for hair products and make up. I don't even know what was going through my mind. But one day, we got greedy. And we got caught. I thought we had only stolen for a few weeks, but we had actually been stealing for...months... Life kind of really sucked after that. Whenever I was awake, I would cry about how much life sucked, and all that crying made me tired. So either it was me crying, or me sleeping; either way, my life became consumed with it. I don't even think it was the fact that I got caught. It was the fact that I've lost the sliver of respect that I had. Mason had recently been bailed out of jail and was on parole, so Mom's life sucked, I'm sure. She thought she was a terrible mother but really, I was just a terrible son. Not only a terrible son, but a terrible everything else. The only person that knew was Mason, and he never even bothered to stop me. I was a terrible friend to Alexander. I was a terrible cousin to Tiffany. It just... all sucked. I wrote about it a bit on the random blog i was talking about earlier, and a lot of the posts probably came off as super psycho. The teenager in me is clawing at the chance to quote another song. (F**king Perfect by P!nk)
Made a wrong turn
One or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Random Post #1

Okay, all my posts are random. Wanna fight about it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QqAVFwGwaI
This video was dedicated to the victims of a shooting. It's supposed to pull at heartstrings and call for sympathy, i think.

But why should someone feel sympathetic for these people? Odds are, you don't personally know them.
Is it because they died for no reason?
But people don't always die for a cause.
Is it because they were shot?
But being shot isn't the worst way to die.
Is it because they had families and friends that depended on them?
Almost everyone does (I hope)
Or is it because they didn't deserve it?

Almost 2 people die every second. What makes the way these people died any more commendable than the two people that died in the time that you've read this sentence? I guess the most reasonable answer i can come up with is that they died at the hands of someone else. But still. There are plenty of murders. But do any of these people deserve to die? Does anyone deserve to die? Does anyone deserve anything? Do people get what they deserve?

No.

I think I'm ready to being (< fail. Begin* ) living.

I looked up "how to love yourself" today. It was kind of pathetic on my part. Half of those things i can't do. Uhg.

" We've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't curb myself unless I don't feel safe somewhere. I think I dove too fast into 'being out' and crossed the street before looking both ways, you know? I'll pay attention now."

Interesting

"Don't be gay"

While it was taken entirely out of context, these words came out of the mouth of my own flesh and blood. I guess I never realized how much derogatory language they used until this Christmas. It seemed like ever other word was some sort of attack. Fuck you.

I'm honestly not afraid of whether or not someone would accept me. Odds are, they would. Look at Lam for example; she would obviously accept me. But I don't want to tell her. It's not that I'm afraid i won't be accepted, it's that I'm afraid people will look at me differently. I want to do this. I really do. I have no idea what's stopping me.