Random Post #3

There were two popular "Myspace" pictures, if i remembered correctly.

One was the mirror shot. Still popular today, I guess. Extra puntos if you get the camera flash to cover up your acne-prone face.

The second was the what I like to call "the BJ shot". I'm sure we've all see the picture to the right, but I never understood how that camera angle was considered flattering. But then I thought about it. All of those amateur pornos hold the camera at that angle when someone's getting a blowjob. Totes makes sense. That camera angle makes everyone look like a ghetto whore.

I guess this is just one of those nights/days were I think too much. Maybe i should take on drinking. Do people ask before they do something illegal?

I [Never] want to grow up. Now!

When people say "hate is a strong word", i guess they don't take into consideration when strong words are needed. Like how I hate my school. Like how I hate my "friends". Like how I hate myself. I hate my age, my physique, my lack of social skills, my personality, my sight, my voice, my mentality towards life, and as you can probably tell, my self esteem.
I think it's kinda of funny that being gay wasn't one of the first things that came to mind when writing that list. I think it's come to the point were I'm fine with it. If someone were to ask me, I'd tell them the truth. I don't hate being gay, I really don't. I just hate the results of it, if that makes any sense. I hate how utterly impossible it is to find a boyfriend. I hate how I'm probably never going to meet someone I'll fall in love with in high school. I hate how even after this entire year of agony, it still hasn't paid off. Oh, I hate that I'm a virgin too. I feel like virginity is like wearing all white while standing on the sidelines of a puddle of mud with kids wrestling and having fun. I kinda just want to jump in and get it over with. Just... jump in and wrestle with some cute boy. Or girl. Haha. Probably not the latter, although I don't think getting a girl would be all that hard. (You're so cocky)
But anyways, I guess I'm just postponing happiness again. I want to be happy. I really do. But like Ms. Chu said, how do you define happiness? Since it's not tangible, how will you know when you're happy?
Well, I guess I'm not on the verge of killing myself, so it could get worse. But I'd like to think it can only get better from here.
How? Well... I'm not sure, really. Even if i knew, I probably wouldn't have the guts to act on it. Oh, add that to the list too. I hate how gutless I am. But anyways, I guess I'm hoping that growing up will make everything better. I'm playing off the factor that's beyond my reach, and hoping that time will make things better.

Peter Pan's an idiot.

Lighten up, kiddo. Live a little

Boundaries

There's this movie... I forgot what it was called, but the name wasn't in English. It was about two brothers who fell in love. As a gay man, it is right for me to say incest is wrong? Or pedophilia? Or any form of "love"? Wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I said that those forms of "love" don't exist or are wrong? Are some more accepted than others? If so, why?

Slings and Arrows

Call me cliche, but I'd like to ask the same question. To be or not to be.

Now, given the probably negative semblance of this post, I'd like to start off by saying I have little intention of killing myself despite the constant though.

Not to sound like a puddle-deep philosopher, but what's the point of life? Are we supposed to fulfill some kind of task? When people die, do they know if they've fulfilled this mystery task? Or do they acknowledge that their entire life was a waste? I remember my mom and I were talking and while the conversation had little to do with this question, it certainly gave me insight to how she may have answered this question.

I was forced to work, and of course, I complained (I'd like to call it voicing my opinion, but complaining is so much more qualified). There were a few big cases and despite her conviction, I could have cared less if there were half a million.Well, that's kind of harsh, but hey, I wanted to go home and be unproductive. Naturally, she played the guilt card, telling me that this would mean she has to do more work tomorrow and that I was being inconsiderate. Being the teen-ager I am, I replied with something along the lines of "well this is your job, not mine". Then, she answered my question. She told me that her job was to raise me.

Is that all there is to life? Procreation? Well, she didn't say that it was her job to pump out a bunch of kids, but it certainly can be interpreted that way. And if that wasn't what she meant, is it just to raise kids? To give way for another generation? I mean, that can't be fair. What about sterile men and infertile women? What about gay men and women? What about people devoid of the opportunity to adopt? What about families and environments unfit for children? Are all of these people supposed to die bearing in mind that they didn't achieve the one goal in life?

But I guess that's another thing. Is there only one goal in life? Is everyones calling the same? What scale do we use to measure success in life? Are we to tough it out until we achieve this (these?) goal(s)? If we're to never know our calling, why do people bother living? Are there social and cultural backlashes from suicide that people are afraid of? Is it in our nature to not kill ourselves? From a purely scientific standpoint, living organisms only live to pass on their genes. So I guess there's some part of us that tells us not to pull the plug. But at what point does life become too much to handle? Too hard to "tough it out" and become acceptable to commit suicide?

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what's the point?

You know those resolutions that no one ever fulfills? Yeah? Here's one that I probably won't, but I'll just keep it in the dusty corner of my mind.

I'm going to take things less seriously and loosen up. (That's what she said?)

Worth

I guess questions like the ones that follow come with having little sense of who I am. I mean, when one's worth is unknown, doesn't that imply that they're virtually nothing in the eyes of people who say "You are what you think you are"? At what point does someone begin to get a sense of what they deserve? I'm sure there are always people who are more deserving than others. When speaking of postponing happiness, it only applies when the person deserve to be happy. Do I deserve to be just content? Do I deserve a cousin's undeniable love? Do I deserve to not have friends? Do I deserve to be lonely? Do I deserve a moderately wealthy life-style? Do I deserve a boyfriend? Do I deserve to be constantly angry at the world? Do I deserve to just barely be living? Do I deserve to be happy? I don't know.

Lam (Well... the guy Lam... Lam2?)

I'm not sure what happened to my middle school years. I have an urge to blame the oblivion to my stupid yet uneventful childhood.

I really don't want this post to revolve around the girl, so i'll just give her an awesomely objective name. Her name will be... Girl.

Come 7th grade, the "academically gifted" have gone off to their calling, and the school is now full of the lukewarm students that the school attempts to get rid of by next year. I actually really liked this year. I sure didn't give a care about school, so the work didn't bother me. This is also the year I started talking to Tejeda and Alexander. And most relevant, Lam2. Lam2 was probably the one of the closest guy friends I've ever had and that's pretty sad seeing as how we didn't really talk about anything of importance. He was funny. And cute. And a list of other really cliche descriptions of someone you'd have a crush on. Did I mention how cute I thought he was? Anyways. He was short and thick, and that comes from someone that calls almost everyone fat. His shortish and obviously black hair (come on, just look at that name) didn't cover his adorably small eyes. I mean small in a your-eyes-look-closed-when-you-laugh kind of way. That too, his laugh was equally cute, and he still had braces in 7th grade. I remember him wearing thin-framed black glasses. I'm pretty sure I had almost every class with this boy. He was absolutely hilarious in a you're-so-random kind of way with an undertone of crude humor. I can't recall a single significant conversation we've had, but small talk is always fun, right? Right. Until he decided to switch schools. I don't blame him, i really don't. But those exams schools changed him. I really liked him. I like what he used to be. I hate him.

Random Post #2

You ever come across one of those words or idioms that make you say "I want to use you in a sentence"? Well I do. But I always forget them lol. So I guess I should start writing them all down here on this blog so I won't. So here are some that have been clawing at the chance to be used.

Minutia- N.- Trivial details of something
Beyond reproach- So good as to preclude any possibility of criticism.
Alacrity- N.- cheerful readiness, promptness, or willingness
Snake oil- any product with exaggerated marketing but questionable and/or unverifiable quality or benefit.
Axiom- N.- maxim: a saying that is widely accepted on its own merits


I'm sure most people my age don't spend their free time doing stuff like this.

Oh, and I decided that I should change the look of this blog. I wanted something ironically cheerful and light.