When people say "hate is a strong word", i guess they don't take into consideration when strong words are needed. Like how I hate my school. Like how I hate my "friends". Like how I hate myself. I hate my age, my physique, my lack of social skills, my personality, my sight, my voice, my mentality towards life, and as you can probably tell, my self esteem.
I think it's kinda of funny that being gay wasn't one of the first things that came to mind when writing that list. I think it's come to the point were I'm fine with it. If someone were to ask me, I'd tell them the truth. I don't hate being gay, I really don't. I just hate the results of it, if that makes any sense. I hate how utterly impossible it is to find a boyfriend. I hate how I'm probably never going to meet someone I'll fall in love with in high school. I hate how even after this entire year of agony, it still hasn't paid off. Oh, I hate that I'm a virgin too. I feel like virginity is like wearing all white while standing on the sidelines of a puddle of mud with kids wrestling and having fun. I kinda just want to jump in and get it over with. Just... jump in and wrestle with some cute boy. Or girl. Haha. Probably not the latter, although I don't think getting a girl would be all that hard. (You're so cocky)
But anyways, I guess I'm just postponing happiness again. I want to be happy. I really do. But like Ms. Chu said, how do you define happiness? Since it's not tangible, how will you know when you're happy?
Well, I guess I'm not on the verge of killing myself, so it could get worse. But I'd like to think it can only get better from here.
How? Well... I'm not sure, really. Even if i knew, I probably wouldn't have the guts to act on it. Oh, add that to the list too. I hate how gutless I am. But anyways, I guess I'm hoping that growing up will make everything better. I'm playing off the factor that's beyond my reach, and hoping that time will make things better.
Peter Pan's an idiot.
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