You're so lame

You should be doing homework right now since it's already 1:27 am, but you're up talking to some dude you met on Tumblr. Yeah, he's cute and everything, but seriously, you should be doing your reader's notebook for English. It doesn't matter if he's the first guy that's hit on you that you're interested in. It doesn't matter that he said you're cute, which probably inflated your ego. It doesn't matter that he lives in Boston and asked you to hang out one day. Come on now. Get your head of the clouds and focus on your blank Word doc.

I Miss Her

I didn't go to her house that often, actually. Maybe a couple times a month at max. We didn't really do much, and I know she hated being at her house even though I was there with her. I mean, we would watch TV or I would straighten her hair, and that was about it. The lights would be off and the window curtain would never really block out all of the sun, so there'd be a slight glare on the TV. We would flip through all the on-demand movies, and she would read some of her favorites aloud and gasp every time I said I haven't seen the movie, which happened pretty often since I don't watch very many films. We eventually settle on a movie that we mutually find bearable at that time, and she would sit there with her feet on the ground and her back against the chair like any other person, but I wanted to get comfortable. I put my head on her lap and after a few complains about how heavy my head was, we stop fidgeting and lie there, waiting for the beginning credits to end. She's far from fat, but she's not skinny, so my "heavy" head rested on her lap comfortably. I think that was the first time I've ever did anything with another person that was even remotely close to "cuddling." There was clearly no sexual tension, and it wasn't really weird, but I felt comforted. Safe, I guess.

I can't recall the last time I went to her house. When it was just us. When we were just being friends. Doing what friends do. I miss her. I really do. I miss talking with her. I miss our light arguments. I miss playing with her hair. I miss her company. I love her. I'm not in love with her obviously nor was lying on her a symbol that I sexually lusted for her but more so just an expression of friendship. Every time I read about people cuddling, or sleeping on each other, or lying their heads on their boyfriend's lap, I'm reminded that I'm a hopeless romantic, waiting for someone to make me feel even more safe than Alexander did. But I also wish I could go back to what she and I had together. There are so many quotes that say the person that's your priority should never consider you their option. I know I'm an option. I know that I'm no longer near the top when it comes to people she considers priority. But I can't bring myself to realize she no longer cares.

Random Post #5

Someone asked me to write a little something about my "life story." Here is a horribly written version.

"I guess I should start with telling you what I think I am. Well, at least what other people have told me. I'm confident and smart. But I guess that's the problem. I come off as confident when I actually really...really... really hate myself. I'd be lying if I didn't say that a large reason for this self-loathing is due to being gay, but there are other factors too. Being gay (at least for me) has influenced a skewed perspective on society. I guess that's where my second "trait" becomes moderately relevant. People think I'm smart, but in reality, I just question what most people turn a blind eye to. Social norms and such have always puzzled me, keeping me at arms-length from where most of society is. I suppose being gay only loosens what little grasp on normality I had. Universal advice says that I shouldn't be ashamed of being gay, but when it comes to something that is so seemingly -insert another word for "wrong"-, advice just becomes a bunch of meaningless words. And even when I do try to heed any advice, I end up trying to convince myself that it's all true, but I honestly don't believe any of it is. I suppose this is just another story of some closeted gay kid who's socially awkward. By the way, sorry this is so long and boring (that's what he said.) not to mention horribly written. And I mustered up what little confidence I had to not post this as anon. I mean, "nothing to lose" right?"

Another Incoherent Post #3

I'm in a love-hate relationship with Tumblr. I started my blog a couple months ago and I only have like, 9 followers. LOL. Anyways, there are so many gay people on Tumblr. I love it. Namely two people who make me mushy and fuzzy inside. Heck, I'm sure they've never even looked at my blog, but it's their relationship that does it. I just realized how pathetic that sounds, but it seems I read a lot about other people's relationships to fill my dearth of one. I guess I do that a lot. But I can't wait. I can't wait until somebody loves me as much as I love them. And I want to fall for that person. Hard. Sigh. I guess it's true. I'm hopeless, awkward and desperate for love.

I'm fully aware of why writers have to use "love" in their work. It's to ground characters and to make them more relatable, so it'll sell better. But I guess that's what sucks. Being completely devoid of any romantic interest, let alone relationship, sucks. You see all of these people fret over their relationship, but I mean, at least you have one? I know that sounds absolutely pathetic and that there's still the "thin" aspect of a relationship and not just the "thick." But I can't help it. I hate this. And by this, I usually mean myself.

I know I write a lot of strange posts that revolve around an utter ignorance of the way society works. But I'm going to go as far as saying this is by far one of the strangest things that I think. People put up this facade of how they're so individualized and how strong and unique they are. But the simple things that transcend all humans brings to light how completely full of crap that is. Namely eating. Picture this. An extremely fit and muscular guy is walking back from the cafeteria when some skinny teenager backhands his tray of food. The teenager didn't need to use any sort of excessive brute force. All it took was a merely slap of his food to debilitate this man with an image of strength and resoluteness. This man was in need of food like all humans and all it took was some kid to come along and slice his soft spot. I know it's strange. Everyone eats. Duh. But that's exactly the point. Everyone has to eat, making it everyone's weakness despite how different or powerful you are. This doesn't only apply to eating either. Anything else that is common ground for all humans is the same.

I'm not sure how I feel about Li. I mean, I want to say that there's no tension between us, but I feel like that'd be a lie. I've even grown to like Nouri more than Li. I guess a lot of this pent up hate for him lies in his relationship with Alexander. Call me a jealous whore, but it sucks that I'm never with her anymore. I miss her. I know I do. I would never tell it to her face. Heck, the closest I'd come to stepping on my ego is writing this post, but I seriously doubt she still reads this stupid blog. But I miss what we used to be. I can't say I don't want to her to happy, but I wish she could be happy with someone else. Namely myself. Ugh. You're such a selfish bastard, you know that?

I'm scared. I know I am. I try to convince myself that I'm not, but I am. I'm so ready to jump off this bridge not knowing what's at the bottom. Heck, what's at the bottom could be amazing. On the other hand... People say that they'd take pain over regret, but how do you not regret what caused you pain? How can you take pain and completely turn a blind eye to regret once you've gotten there? I want to just scream it and freaking fly "out of the closet." But I can't. Because I know I might hate the pain. But more importantly, I'd regret doing it more.

A Bit Inflated

I don't usually change my profile picture on Facebook. I mean, I really really liked my last one with Tiffany and Quincy and Mason and Nathan, but I freaking had it set for over two years. I uploaded a new picture to do something I wouldn't normally do. I also posted a picture of one of my drawings that I actually liked. I was sure that they were going to collect dust after the couple days a picture is deemed socially acceptable to comment/like, but it didn't. It was pretty shocking, actually. A lot more people than I thought commented/liked them. Now I know why people like changing their profile pictures. I know this is probably all just some volatile confidence, but hey, better than nothing, right?

Sigh, all of these cute guys and not a single one for me. Namely because I'm, like, 12 in their eyes and also because they're all way out of my league.

That High School Thing

It seems to be on everyone's mind recently. Well, everyone as in the people who can actually attend prom, whether they want to go or don't want to go (heck, even anywhere in between).

Am I going?

I'm not sure...

Do you want to go?

Yes... but no at the same time.

Well, why do you?

It's one of those stupid "once-in-a-lifetime events." Plus, my friends will be going and Tiffany want to go.

So why don't you want to go?

I guess the reason's pretty pathetic. Not having a date is the first thing that comes to mind. The second reason is just not wanting to go.

I suppose that's a pretty lame excuse to not go. There are a few people who don't have dates and are still going, and there are people who do have dates but arn't in a relationship. But I guess that's the problem. I'm sure I'm just over-analyzing, but as one of those "insatiable skeptics," I can't help but ask questions. Half of the people there probably won't be going with someone they're dating, yet they're fine with going with someone of the opposite gender. The two may not even be physically attracted to each other, yet it's socially acceptable to go on a date with them. What if I were to ask a straight guy out? Why doesn't that equate to a unattractive girl asking them out? Because odds are, that unattractive girl has leverage over me-- and by leverage, I mean a vagina. Well... not a vagina over me, but you know what I mean. On the same note, one straight guy probably wouldn't bring another as his date because of the social stigma that latches on to being associated with being gay. Yet it's socially acceptable for one gay man and a straight woman to go as each other's date even if he's already "out." There's no fear of being associated with being heterosexual. Why? Maybe I'll never know.

The other reason is pretty lame as well. I just... don't really want to go. The whole premise behind prom is kinda silly to me. You pick one day to dress up and go out. I mean, that sounds pretty silly to me. What's the point? Is that what "normal" people find joy in?

On the contrary to all this extremely negative and anti-social post, I kind of do want to go. I want to spend some time that I almost never spend with Alexander and Tejeda (and more time with Tiffany if I decide to go). I haven't hung out with either of them in a really long time, and the only thing that got us to do so is prom. It was nice... but sad. The other thing is that I really want to do their make-up. No no no, you don't understand... I, like, really really really want to do their make up. Their hair? No so much. They can get that done elsewhere if they really want to. I just really want to do their make up. The last time I did anyone's make up was like, 2 years ago and I've learned so much more since then. I've been dying to practice. I mean, all that time watching make-up guru's on YouTube has to have paid off, right?

Late Night Post #1

I wish it was as easy as just saying things out loud. I wish I could let go of all inhibitions. I wish I could just toss them to the wind along with all my worries. I wish I could radiate effervescence and amiability, but I can't.

I come off as cold and uptight. Angry and dull. Judgmental and boring. Sigh. If only it were that easy.