I Miss Her

I didn't go to her house that often, actually. Maybe a couple times a month at max. We didn't really do much, and I know she hated being at her house even though I was there with her. I mean, we would watch TV or I would straighten her hair, and that was about it. The lights would be off and the window curtain would never really block out all of the sun, so there'd be a slight glare on the TV. We would flip through all the on-demand movies, and she would read some of her favorites aloud and gasp every time I said I haven't seen the movie, which happened pretty often since I don't watch very many films. We eventually settle on a movie that we mutually find bearable at that time, and she would sit there with her feet on the ground and her back against the chair like any other person, but I wanted to get comfortable. I put my head on her lap and after a few complains about how heavy my head was, we stop fidgeting and lie there, waiting for the beginning credits to end. She's far from fat, but she's not skinny, so my "heavy" head rested on her lap comfortably. I think that was the first time I've ever did anything with another person that was even remotely close to "cuddling." There was clearly no sexual tension, and it wasn't really weird, but I felt comforted. Safe, I guess.

I can't recall the last time I went to her house. When it was just us. When we were just being friends. Doing what friends do. I miss her. I really do. I miss talking with her. I miss our light arguments. I miss playing with her hair. I miss her company. I love her. I'm not in love with her obviously nor was lying on her a symbol that I sexually lusted for her but more so just an expression of friendship. Every time I read about people cuddling, or sleeping on each other, or lying their heads on their boyfriend's lap, I'm reminded that I'm a hopeless romantic, waiting for someone to make me feel even more safe than Alexander did. But I also wish I could go back to what she and I had together. There are so many quotes that say the person that's your priority should never consider you their option. I know I'm an option. I know that I'm no longer near the top when it comes to people she considers priority. But I can't bring myself to realize she no longer cares.