Another Incoherent Post #3

I'm in a love-hate relationship with Tumblr. I started my blog a couple months ago and I only have like, 9 followers. LOL. Anyways, there are so many gay people on Tumblr. I love it. Namely two people who make me mushy and fuzzy inside. Heck, I'm sure they've never even looked at my blog, but it's their relationship that does it. I just realized how pathetic that sounds, but it seems I read a lot about other people's relationships to fill my dearth of one. I guess I do that a lot. But I can't wait. I can't wait until somebody loves me as much as I love them. And I want to fall for that person. Hard. Sigh. I guess it's true. I'm hopeless, awkward and desperate for love.

I'm fully aware of why writers have to use "love" in their work. It's to ground characters and to make them more relatable, so it'll sell better. But I guess that's what sucks. Being completely devoid of any romantic interest, let alone relationship, sucks. You see all of these people fret over their relationship, but I mean, at least you have one? I know that sounds absolutely pathetic and that there's still the "thin" aspect of a relationship and not just the "thick." But I can't help it. I hate this. And by this, I usually mean myself.

I know I write a lot of strange posts that revolve around an utter ignorance of the way society works. But I'm going to go as far as saying this is by far one of the strangest things that I think. People put up this facade of how they're so individualized and how strong and unique they are. But the simple things that transcend all humans brings to light how completely full of crap that is. Namely eating. Picture this. An extremely fit and muscular guy is walking back from the cafeteria when some skinny teenager backhands his tray of food. The teenager didn't need to use any sort of excessive brute force. All it took was a merely slap of his food to debilitate this man with an image of strength and resoluteness. This man was in need of food like all humans and all it took was some kid to come along and slice his soft spot. I know it's strange. Everyone eats. Duh. But that's exactly the point. Everyone has to eat, making it everyone's weakness despite how different or powerful you are. This doesn't only apply to eating either. Anything else that is common ground for all humans is the same.

I'm not sure how I feel about Li. I mean, I want to say that there's no tension between us, but I feel like that'd be a lie. I've even grown to like Nouri more than Li. I guess a lot of this pent up hate for him lies in his relationship with Alexander. Call me a jealous whore, but it sucks that I'm never with her anymore. I miss her. I know I do. I would never tell it to her face. Heck, the closest I'd come to stepping on my ego is writing this post, but I seriously doubt she still reads this stupid blog. But I miss what we used to be. I can't say I don't want to her to happy, but I wish she could be happy with someone else. Namely myself. Ugh. You're such a selfish bastard, you know that?

I'm scared. I know I am. I try to convince myself that I'm not, but I am. I'm so ready to jump off this bridge not knowing what's at the bottom. Heck, what's at the bottom could be amazing. On the other hand... People say that they'd take pain over regret, but how do you not regret what caused you pain? How can you take pain and completely turn a blind eye to regret once you've gotten there? I want to just scream it and freaking fly "out of the closet." But I can't. Because I know I might hate the pain. But more importantly, I'd regret doing it more.