Hypocrisy

Maybe once I can answer this, I'll hate myself a little less.

Out of all of the stupid homophobic insults, one that always gets to me is "then you condone bestiality and pedophilia too, right?" I never quite understood how to reply to that. I mean, isn't the LGBT community all about "accepting love in all forms" or something like that? Then how can we say that the two said examples are morally wrong? To be entirely honest, I can't even come up with one sound argument as to why necrophilia or zoophilia are in any way depraved. Arn't we being hypocrites? I mean, people who look down on NAMBLA are just as bad as homophobes, arn't they?

I can't help but identify myself with zoophiles, and pedophiles, and the like. I don't know... I guess some part of me still sees being gay as... as wrong...

On a side note, I never thought I'd write more than 100 posts on here. Welp.

Training Wheels

Embrace yourself for another typical teenager-y post.

I'm going into my senior year. This is my last summer vacation of high school. I guess I just need a moment to let that set in. For others, this is almost the end of their education. I'm... worried. Scared. As usual. But it's kind of like when you're waiting in line for a roller coaster, and with every day, the line moves forward, and I get closer. But I guess that's not a fair comparison. I don't really expect the rest of my life to burn bright and die fast; quite the opposite, actually. I kind of think my life is going to drag on... that it's going to be boring, and my current mentality towards it only confirms it. I'm... worried. Even after talking to Ferson, I still can't help but be so... so frightened.

I have one year of highschool left. Well, less than a year. Is the rest of my life going to be like this? Or will it all change in a year? What am I waiting for? What am I going to do?

I fear the day someone rips the safety from under my feet.

You probably think this post is about you.

-“You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon’s playing in the car-

Dad: What does “vain” mean?

Brother: It kinda means you care too much about your appearance and and you think you’re hot shit

Dad: So like Jojo [what my family calls me]

I really hate looking at cards. I know people say “hate is a strong word,” but I hate it. It reminds me that there are people out there who truly do feel this way about their mothers, and brothers, and sisters, and friends, and fathers. And every time I walk this section in a drugstore, I can’t help but feel bad that I have a general dislike for most people.

I guess you could say my dad and I were never really “close.” He’s always thought I was a selfish, vain, conceited ingrate, and he does little to hide it. He’s almost always angry at something or someone, mainly because he thinks they’re incompetent, and if he’s not, he’s apathetic about everything. A lot of the time, I feel like a failure in his eyes; then again, I don’t do very much to try to please him. I’ve given up on that to the point where I don’t even make conscientious choices to please him. I mean, I know he could be worse. He could just not be in my life; at least he’s physically here, right? He could be abusive; at least he doesn’t “discipline” me anymore. He could be an angry drunk; at least he only does weed. But idk. I don’t want to say I hate him, but it’s more than simply disliking him. Heck, I can’t remember having very much small talk with him, let alone one meaningful conversation.

I guess the a pretty good test of how much I care about his is if I would care if he were to die. He was hospitalized around 6 years ago, and what I gathered from others was that he was at death’s door. My mom told me that if he were to die, we would move to North Carolina. That’s all that really occupied my thoughts. I didn’t seem to care about whether or not he would die, but rather the consequences of his death. I almost grew angry at what he would do to my friends, extended family in Boston, my education. Almost. But I knew I shouldn’t have and wasn’t supposed to, so I wasn’t. I cared, kind of. Kind of. But not really.

So would I say it’s great being his son? No, not really.

Random Post #7

You know, this whole self-loathing, cynical, pessimistic crap is getting really tiring. I mean, I know I do it to myself and everything, but I kinda don't get it. At what point in my childhood did I start to hate myself and everything around me?

Elementary school where I stared at the clouds during recess because I had no friends?

6th grade where no one I liked liked me back?

8th grade where I trusted Stewart by coming out, only to be outed by him later on? Where I started to like Tejeda but realized I wasn't better than Li?

I could go on, but that'd just be even more depressing. I just don't get it. (Warning, terrible simile coming up) It's like... being in some dirt pit, and with every attempt to climb out, it gets deeper as this stupid hole fills with mud. That probably didn't even make sense, but it did in my head. Anywho, this is a pretty friggin' depressing post. But I guess it's just how I've been feeling recently. I hate telling people about this kind of stuff not only because it's one of those day-ruining things, but I've heard so many times that no one likes a self-deprecating, self-loathing, weak person. Heck, I can try my hardest to make a facade of resoluteness and confidence, (which apparently works on my schoolmates) but really, who am I fooling? I hate myself. I hate a lot of things around me. What the hell.

On a slightly less eye-gouging note, I hate North Carolina. I hate it here. Everything is so far away, and there's no transportation. Sigh. Plus, I get really bad allergies here. I think it's all the lack of polluted Boston air.

I was talking to Fergson the other day about college. He advises I don't go to WPI, so I'm not really sure what I should do for a reasonable reach school. There's a very small chance I'll make it to Tufts, but a 40 dollar gamble I shall take. I really don't want to just go to a stupid UMASS school. I mean, I know they're not the worst, but I guess I just want to outshine my brothers. A little sibling rivalry never hurt, right? But even if I do make it into Tufts, I have no idea what major I want to get into. I guess my default would be Biology, but what the freak am I going to do with a biology degree? Should I take a pre-vet track? Should I try to become a teacher? Uhg. This angst about ruining my future is killing me. Maybe Fergson is right. I should find a boyfriend to screw it out of me.

Who am I kidding? I honestly believe that not a soul would want to date me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'd love to go out with someone, but who would want to go out with me? Just look at the first paragraph. On top of that, how the heck do gay guys find other gay guys? I don't have a gaydar. I've never met any gay guys in person. Freakin' A, I can't even meet a gay guy online. Aw god. I'll just mark the end of this stupid, typical teenager-y post here.

Random Post #6

Turned 17 two days ago. I feel the same-- weak, useless, pathetic. I can't wait until I'm older. But I know me saying that I don't want to be those things isn't going to change a thing. Uhg. I don't know... I guess this is all pretty stupid of me. I want so many things, but I'm not willing to lift a finger to get them. I'm awkward. I'm scared.

One of those emo posts

I feel really empty. Like. hollow and unfulfilled.

There should be something I'm doing. Something I'm achieving. But I'm not. What am I doing with my life? What will I be doing with my life?

I'm worried.

I'm scared.

I'm unsure.

Somebody do something.

Faggot

I usually agree with Alexander. But one thing struck me as really really strange. She was telling me that she thinks accepting the fact that people use terms like “faggot,” “that’s so gay,” and “no homo” is all part of “coming out.” I guess since almost all of my followers are probably gay, take a second to take that in. Lemme give you some examples of what she means.

One day, some guy was singing this song that had “no homo” in it, and I stopped him right before he could finish and half-jokingly half-seriously said “what, Steven? [the guy’s name]” He started to feel bad that he was about to say it, and he asked my friend about whether or not I was serious about being offended. She spoke for me and told him no.

Today, actually, another guy was talking about a teacher that nobody really likes, and he was about to call him a “faggo—” until I said “come on now, Brian [the guy’s name, obviously]” My friend then goes and says to be right after my response, “Leroy!” in one of those what-are-you-doing tones.

Now, she doesn’t mean that part of “coming out” is that you know that people say things like that because I know people will/do— it’s that you should do nothing about it when people do say “faggot” and “no homo” and the like. Note that this is all coming from someone who says “come on now” when someone swears.

No.

I’m going to whole-heartedly disagree with you. I know that it’s a habit for a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean that I should stand there and do nothing when people say it. It doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t express some kind of disapproval. I’m fine if they only don’t say things like that around me, and go on to call everyone “faggots” and say “no homo” because it’s only me who doesn’t want to hear that crap. Just like how you don’t want to hear people swear around you, I don’t want to hear people belittle my people. As a matter of fact, I think defending gay people is an obligatory part of coming out. So no, Alexander. You’re wrong. Your double-standards are ridiculous.