"I know I'm gay. I just need some time to process that. I just wanna figure out who I am and what it means before the whole world knows and starts to judge me. Cant you just give me that time? There's so much about this that's overwhelming and confusing."

If only I could find an Ian.

"What I would do to be you for just a day? I'd just live."
"Stop worrying about how everybody else feels, man. You gotta start worrying about you; What makes Johnny happy?"

Lam

I hate hate hate hate those girls who try to be cute. The first thing that came to mind was when she would say "waz-bewwy." Like, shut up! You're not an 8 year old. And when ever she makes that face when she doesnt get what she wants. It's one of those aggravating faces that attention whores make.
That too. She's an attention whore. Not everyone wants to cater to your needs. Not everyone wants to go out of their way to help YOU. YOU can walk over and get the help, or you can just sit there and wave your hand at me.
Also,(I'm sure half of these insults can be used against me too) she's a moody bitch. If I'm going to use a vocab word, her moods are so volatile and ever-changing.
Also, she says herself that she's dependent on others. Which is pretty sad. Right now, we're doing this TOK project on a class of our liking, and I'm sure if she had no idea what Jada was going to do, she probably wouldn't have chosen the same thing as Jada. Then she would have changed her topic to something so that she could work with Jada.
Also, she only laughs to fit in.
That's pretty pathetic to me.
But I guess I can't say everything's bad about her. She has certain moments where it's not all resentment. You know, I just cant think of any right now.

Pike

I'm not sure what's the point of this blog. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to put all my thoughts down so I'm slightly less insane. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to read this a few years from now and reflect. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to share this blog with someone like me a few years from now like what it said men do in The Catcher in the Rye. I'm not sure if it's suppose to be all of them. I'm not really sure.

But if it is, I feel like I should talk about Austin. I'll just put it out there. I kind of hate him. Perhaps "hate" is a strong word, but I dislike him. Tiffany tells me of how he was so perfect on paper. She tells me that he's pretty much everything she's ever wanted, but i kind of think he's a jerk. I guess you could say that the only reason that i say that is because I'm jealous. Sure, i may literally take a back seat when it comes to him, but that's beside the point since I didnt really like him even before meeting him. He seems like one of those people who are overly sappy and I hated that about myself a few years ago. It was so childish. Also, he seems like an uptight pansy. He's one of those people who dont like listening to loud music. Jesus Christ, do something exciting with your life sometimes. Sure i may sound like a huge hypocrite since my life is as boring as can be, but his life just seems so uptight. He freaking wears a suit everywhere. I dont know, i guess that's just my impression of him now. Tiffany seems to like him, so I dont really want to say this to her. Not yet at least. She told me that she didn't tell me that Jasmine seemed like a bitch until recently because she knew that i "liked" her. I guess i can only do the same? Or is it wrong for me not to tell her? Or does my opinion even matter?

Live And Let Die.

For now at least. I'll let live whenever everyone else who should die has died. (Postponing happiness again)

I guess you could say Allen and I have been talking a bit. But it's mainly about school. Anyways, thats beside the point. This made me think about why I have no male friends.

Maybe I'm scared.

Maybe I'm scared that I'll eventually like them, only to have my hopes crushed because they arnt like me. Maybe I'm scared that once i try to become friends with them, they'll remember that there are rumors about me being gay and become homophobic.

Or maybe I just hate all the guys at this school.

Or maybe they just don't like me because I'm really boring.

Or maybe they just don't like me because they know I'm gay.

Green

It has been on my mind the whole day.

One day in Spanish class, we were asked to write on the board what was our dream, what we wanted, or something like that. Anyways, I wrote "acceptance", hoping no one would really notice it or no one would know who wrote it. Ms. Leoni decides to read all of them out loud. When she reads the word "acceptance" out loud, there was instant disapproval. Some student decided that acceptance meant that you would live your life to someone else's standards; something that's apparently terrible.

First of all, this person wrote that she wanted nice hair and a boyfriend. Your "nice hair" revolves around the idea of the standards of what "nice hair" looks like in society. So YOUR standards, are everyone else's standards for nice hair and you're living your life to your own standards which is also everyone else's. So just on the first one, you're a stupid hypocrite. I guess I cant really say much about the second one since it doesn't deal with societal norms or "standards". Plus, I kinda want the same thing.

Secondly, what's the big deal with wanting acceptance? Not everyone can be like you. Yeah, everyone likes you for your individuality and your verboseness, but that's you. Ever since I met you, I've always thought you were really cool, but ever since the beginning of this 11th grade, you've lost more and more respect from me. I now think you're a HUGE arrogant bitch. Just because you've already been accepted for who you are, doesnt mean everyone else cant want it now, you stupid bitch.

Shout. Shout. Let it all out.

Li Yi asked me the other day if I was gay.

In my mind i was screaming "YES!"

But the only thing that came out, was a meek "no..."

Uhg. In my head, i just want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I wanna scream it out loud whenever someone asks me. I wanna walk up to someone stranger's face and just scream it at them as if they care. I wanna scream it at some homophobe's face and watch their reaction. I wanna take a 10 minute elevator ride up to a windy roof and just scream it so everyone could hear.

But odds are, once I get up there, the only scream would be in my head.

Postponing Happiness

The other day, Tiffany was reading me passages from that Don't Sweat the Small Stuff book. One passage talked about not postponing happiness; how you shouldn't expect to be happy later, for you should be happy now. It talked about how you expect to be happy when you get a girlfriend or boyfriend, and when you're not happy then, you expect to be happy when you get married. Then when you're married, you're still not happy, and you expect yet again to be happy when you have kids. Then you think the kids are too young and make life difficult and expect to be happy when they get a little older. Once they're older, you have to deal with them being my age now. Then you expect to be happier when they move off to college. You expect that at some point, you will magically become happy instead of making proactive steps to achieve happiness. You expect to be happy some time, just not now.

I guess thats exactly what I'm doing. I expect to be happy later and that it would just happen eventually. I think I deserve to be happy... Perhaps I deserve to be happy. Either way, I want to be happy. Now. It's these proactive steps I'm having trouble making. But I guess that statement in and of itself is an example of how I'm postponing happiness.

Literally.

It literally hurts. Like, if you put your hand over the area between your belly button and your ribs. Yeah, it hurts there. And I keep watching these videos. But... I like the pain, as masochistic as it may sound. I guess the whole idea behind me liking the pain, is that it brings me one step closer to accepting it.

Because I know its true. I know that I am. I know that I am gay because it hurts. (Thats what he said)

Pathetic.

Pathetic. One of the most insulting words, in my opinion. It implies that you're weak. And sad. And most importantly, vulnerable.

I seem to always think of myself as pathetic. Weak. Sad. Vulnerable.

Lets just talk about the first one off the top of my head. I feel pathetic because I want a boyfriend. I want someone to be there for me whenever I need them. I want someone to love. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to hold and kiss and talk to and walk around with and hang out with and play games with and introduce to friends and family and to wrestle with and to argue with and to make all of this grief worthwhile ... For someone to reassure me that all of this isnt in vain.

But that just all seems so pathetic. I guess that means I'm pathetic. Just absolutely pathetic.