"I know I'm gay. I just need some time to process that. I just wanna figure out who I am and what it means before the whole world knows and starts to judge me. Cant you just give me that time? There's so much about this that's overwhelming and confusing."

If only I could find an Ian.

"What I would do to be you for just a day? I'd just live."
"Stop worrying about how everybody else feels, man. You gotta start worrying about you; What makes Johnny happy?"

Lam

I hate hate hate hate those girls who try to be cute. The first thing that came to mind was when she would say "waz-bewwy." Like, shut up! You're not an 8 year old. And when ever she makes that face when she doesnt get what she wants. It's one of those aggravating faces that attention whores make.
That too. She's an attention whore. Not everyone wants to cater to your needs. Not everyone wants to go out of their way to help YOU. YOU can walk over and get the help, or you can just sit there and wave your hand at me.
Also,(I'm sure half of these insults can be used against me too) she's a moody bitch. If I'm going to use a vocab word, her moods are so volatile and ever-changing.
Also, she says herself that she's dependent on others. Which is pretty sad. Right now, we're doing this TOK project on a class of our liking, and I'm sure if she had no idea what Jada was going to do, she probably wouldn't have chosen the same thing as Jada. Then she would have changed her topic to something so that she could work with Jada.
Also, she only laughs to fit in.
That's pretty pathetic to me.
But I guess I can't say everything's bad about her. She has certain moments where it's not all resentment. You know, I just cant think of any right now.

Pike

I'm not sure what's the point of this blog. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to put all my thoughts down so I'm slightly less insane. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to read this a few years from now and reflect. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to share this blog with someone like me a few years from now like what it said men do in The Catcher in the Rye. I'm not sure if it's suppose to be all of them. I'm not really sure.

But if it is, I feel like I should talk about Austin. I'll just put it out there. I kind of hate him. Perhaps "hate" is a strong word, but I dislike him. Tiffany tells me of how he was so perfect on paper. She tells me that he's pretty much everything she's ever wanted, but i kind of think he's a jerk. I guess you could say that the only reason that i say that is because I'm jealous. Sure, i may literally take a back seat when it comes to him, but that's beside the point since I didnt really like him even before meeting him. He seems like one of those people who are overly sappy and I hated that about myself a few years ago. It was so childish. Also, he seems like an uptight pansy. He's one of those people who dont like listening to loud music. Jesus Christ, do something exciting with your life sometimes. Sure i may sound like a huge hypocrite since my life is as boring as can be, but his life just seems so uptight. He freaking wears a suit everywhere. I dont know, i guess that's just my impression of him now. Tiffany seems to like him, so I dont really want to say this to her. Not yet at least. She told me that she didn't tell me that Jasmine seemed like a bitch until recently because she knew that i "liked" her. I guess i can only do the same? Or is it wrong for me not to tell her? Or does my opinion even matter?

Live And Let Die.

For now at least. I'll let live whenever everyone else who should die has died. (Postponing happiness again)

I guess you could say Allen and I have been talking a bit. But it's mainly about school. Anyways, thats beside the point. This made me think about why I have no male friends.

Maybe I'm scared.

Maybe I'm scared that I'll eventually like them, only to have my hopes crushed because they arnt like me. Maybe I'm scared that once i try to become friends with them, they'll remember that there are rumors about me being gay and become homophobic.

Or maybe I just hate all the guys at this school.

Or maybe they just don't like me because I'm really boring.

Or maybe they just don't like me because they know I'm gay.

Green

It has been on my mind the whole day.

One day in Spanish class, we were asked to write on the board what was our dream, what we wanted, or something like that. Anyways, I wrote "acceptance", hoping no one would really notice it or no one would know who wrote it. Ms. Leoni decides to read all of them out loud. When she reads the word "acceptance" out loud, there was instant disapproval. Some student decided that acceptance meant that you would live your life to someone else's standards; something that's apparently terrible.

First of all, this person wrote that she wanted nice hair and a boyfriend. Your "nice hair" revolves around the idea of the standards of what "nice hair" looks like in society. So YOUR standards, are everyone else's standards for nice hair and you're living your life to your own standards which is also everyone else's. So just on the first one, you're a stupid hypocrite. I guess I cant really say much about the second one since it doesn't deal with societal norms or "standards". Plus, I kinda want the same thing.

Secondly, what's the big deal with wanting acceptance? Not everyone can be like you. Yeah, everyone likes you for your individuality and your verboseness, but that's you. Ever since I met you, I've always thought you were really cool, but ever since the beginning of this 11th grade, you've lost more and more respect from me. I now think you're a HUGE arrogant bitch. Just because you've already been accepted for who you are, doesnt mean everyone else cant want it now, you stupid bitch.

Shout. Shout. Let it all out.

Li Yi asked me the other day if I was gay.

In my mind i was screaming "YES!"

But the only thing that came out, was a meek "no..."

Uhg. In my head, i just want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I wanna scream it out loud whenever someone asks me. I wanna walk up to someone stranger's face and just scream it at them as if they care. I wanna scream it at some homophobe's face and watch their reaction. I wanna take a 10 minute elevator ride up to a windy roof and just scream it so everyone could hear.

But odds are, once I get up there, the only scream would be in my head.

Postponing Happiness

The other day, Tiffany was reading me passages from that Don't Sweat the Small Stuff book. One passage talked about not postponing happiness; how you shouldn't expect to be happy later, for you should be happy now. It talked about how you expect to be happy when you get a girlfriend or boyfriend, and when you're not happy then, you expect to be happy when you get married. Then when you're married, you're still not happy, and you expect yet again to be happy when you have kids. Then you think the kids are too young and make life difficult and expect to be happy when they get a little older. Once they're older, you have to deal with them being my age now. Then you expect to be happier when they move off to college. You expect that at some point, you will magically become happy instead of making proactive steps to achieve happiness. You expect to be happy some time, just not now.

I guess thats exactly what I'm doing. I expect to be happy later and that it would just happen eventually. I think I deserve to be happy... Perhaps I deserve to be happy. Either way, I want to be happy. Now. It's these proactive steps I'm having trouble making. But I guess that statement in and of itself is an example of how I'm postponing happiness.

Literally.

It literally hurts. Like, if you put your hand over the area between your belly button and your ribs. Yeah, it hurts there. And I keep watching these videos. But... I like the pain, as masochistic as it may sound. I guess the whole idea behind me liking the pain, is that it brings me one step closer to accepting it.

Because I know its true. I know that I am. I know that I am gay because it hurts. (Thats what he said)

Pathetic.

Pathetic. One of the most insulting words, in my opinion. It implies that you're weak. And sad. And most importantly, vulnerable.

I seem to always think of myself as pathetic. Weak. Sad. Vulnerable.

Lets just talk about the first one off the top of my head. I feel pathetic because I want a boyfriend. I want someone to be there for me whenever I need them. I want someone to love. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to hold and kiss and talk to and walk around with and hang out with and play games with and introduce to friends and family and to wrestle with and to argue with and to make all of this grief worthwhile ... For someone to reassure me that all of this isnt in vain.

But that just all seems so pathetic. I guess that means I'm pathetic. Just absolutely pathetic.

Nothing happens when nothing's said.

So why is it so hard to say something?

Thanksgiving Clichéness

What am i thankful for?

I'm thankful for....

An awesome cousin.

Wealth, i guess.
Health, i guess.

Idk, those are the most immediate and superficial things i could think of. I guess i should say I'm thankful for being gay, but i kind of dont. I mean, in a way i am. Its given me a sense of belonging since I'm definitely in a certain group. But i kind of dont want to be in this group. Sigh. Hopefully, this will all change on day.. I'm hoping on day, acceptance'll just hit me like a truck. But thats what i said about puberty. I didnt even know my voice became monotone until people started laughing at me for me.

FuckYeahGayCouples, Manhunt

Well, i guess i cant solely talk about how i feel ostracized and excluded from society. I am really glad I read Manhunt. I know it sounds cheesy, and i may have forgotten how i found Manhunt, but I'm really glad that i read this blog. Its not the hot guys or the cute guys, but all the comments that remind me that there are other gay guys out there that do the same thing as me. I'm sure most of them are a million times older than i am, which is slightly creepy, but they're gay nevertheless. Also, I'm glad i found Fuckyeahgaycouples from Manhunt. It is the most adorable website ever. It shows gay couples who post pictures of themselves. This reassures me more that I'm not alone more than Manhunt. It shows pictures of gay couples who perhaps thought the same way i do. Some day, I'll get my picture up there. Maybe. Perhaps. Hopefully.

"It Gets Better"

Heterosexuals that claim everything will be fine dont know what its like. Its a huge mountain that I have to climb eventually that they never had to. Sure, you can say it'll make me stronger in the long run, but for now, i feel so weak and numb and cold and tired.
Jada says that the real issue is that I cant accept the fact that I'm gay myself. It's true, i cant. But she makes it seem so easy. It's not easy when you know you're different than everyone else. That there are groups of people that shun you because of your being. Hell, all of society does it, whether they know it or not. People loosely throw around the word "gay" or "fag", associating it with anything negative. How the hell am i supposed to come out with people saying stuff like that?
I'm sure half the people dont mean it, but even look at Tiffany. She says that Austin might be gay, but she says it as if its something terrible. That she's wasting her time trying to win him if he's gay. Or even what Jada says about what i should do. I feel like she just wants to say "Get the hell over it. Its not that serious". Same with Jasmine. She yelled at Jahmal to "come out of the closet you freaking faggot". Great. I'm pretty sure she thinks that about me. It seems that nobody understands. Nobody understands how insanely difficult this is. I dont know a single gay guy my age and this fucking sucks. All of these videos about how it gets better show how they have all gotten boyfriends and girlfriends, but how about now? I'm fucking 16 and I've never even had a boyfriend, let alone my first kiss. I wonder what would happen if I just decided to go out with a girl just to get this over with. I hate this. None of you understand it seems.

xFactor week 7

Cher and Paije in the bottom two. Kind of funny. Two weeks in a row with shock results. Well Paije left since I'm sure the judges wouldnt have the nerve to vote Cher off. So Paije is gone. Next to leave, I'm hoping, is Katie, then Wagner, then Mary. Then who knows.

For granted.

It's a sad event that takes place in many lives. People take you for granted; you take others for granted. Hell, other people take other people for granted too. There are some people, people not like me, out there who take their peers for granted. Some of those people, i wish i could just take a fraction of the things they take for granted Their friends, their families,... their spouse. They seem to turn a blind eye to the people that love them the most and take advantage of their existence. But i guess the reason they are able to do so, is because they are the way they are. And the reason why I take things for granted, is because of the way i am. For that, the things all people take for granted are different because everyone is different. Sure, there are differences, but as a whole, people take different things for granted.

What do i take for granted? Plenty.

Fucking Katie won over Aiden. Aiden lost this week. Katie has been in the bottom like 4/6 times. Fuck her. I fucking hate her now. I felt so bad for Aiden. The hosts asked him what he wants to do now and he said "have a beer" and looked down. Uhg... Fuck you Britain.

I told Tiffany today. She told me I had to be more confident in myself. And yes. Easier said than done.

Is there ever a need to say something blatantly obvious? Do we have to say it to remind ourselves that what we've said is true? Is saying something like that a sign of weakness? Or is it a sign of dignity?

Cavemen.

How come we cant just revert back to when we were all hunters and gatherers? I mean, it must have been so easy back then. None of all these stupid societal norms to deal with. Just... go and hunt or gather and do something else with the rest of your life. It all seems so easy. Better than the world we live in now, at least.

The Interwebs.

I dont really know why I'm writing this blog. I guess its a way for me to take note of the insane thought i have. I'm guessing at some point in life, I'm going to look back at all of this and see how weird I was. Anyways.

"Why, whats up?"

These kinds of statuses are so... sad? You go around liking these kinds of statuses to gain a sense of who you are yourself... to gain a sense of how others see yourself and how others would portray you. The uncertainty is kind of sad. I suppose on the contrary, its nice to know that there are people who arnt afraid to show a degree of compassion. "Words of kindness, that our poor hearts crave. Please dont keep them Hidden Away". Still. Its sad that the outlet for words is via internet. Our generation has become such a strange one. One where the internet has been woven into fabric of society. I guess I'm just making up excuses as to why I'm "socially retarded".

Gotta Be Somebody

I want someone to tell me theres someone for me out there. Theres Gotta Be Somebody.






I dont want to do this on my own.

XFactor week 5

KAtie and Treyc were in the bottom two and Treyc got voted out. Sucks for Cheryll but she didnt even pick one of them. Katie forgot her words (again...) and yet she was still put through. I was under the impression that she was a bitch. But I guess being a bitch is better than being boring. I never really liked Treyc's voice anyways. I thoought it was kind of muffle-y and nasal-y. Katie's going next week though. She's been in the bottom 2 like 3/5 times. Wtf?!

What the hell is your problem?

Leave me alone. I'm 16. All i want to be, is a normal 16 year old. But i cant. Because I'm gay. And on top of that, you want to fucking smother me. Leave me alone. Let me be a 16 year old kid and let me live my life. My childhood has fucking been ruined and guess what? I'm never getting it back. All of this stuff that i could be doing because i'm 16, cant be done. So many fucking reason. Leave me alone mother. Let me have a life.

LolEurope

This is how it'll go down on the XFactor.


Katie
then Wagner,
then Treyc,
then Paije,
then Mary,
then One Direction,
then Aiden,
then Rebecca,
then Cher.
Hopefully Matt wins

Everyone from Mary and up are so... forgettable. They're so borring and I dont really see how far they could possibly get. I do like Katie's voice though...

From One Direction and up i actually have no idea. It could be something crazy like Kris Allen winning, but who knows. I really like all of them from Aiden and I'm sure almost all of them are getting record deals and one of them are going to win.

Katie - I dont really understand the hype around her. I like her voice and everything, but she sings all of these obscure and strange songs.

Wagner - Come on.

Treyc - Shes got an OK voice.. it always sounded kind of muffled to me. She's not that interesting and she's probably going to lose early since she's already been in the bottom 3

Paije - I always forget about him. He seems like a queen.

Mary - She's got a nice voice, but she's all old.

One Direction - The only non-white guy is the hottest. Then Liam... Then i forget all their names. Their voice is OK, but all the tweens across the pond will vote for them

Aiden - Love him. He's super hot and has an interesting voice even thought it seems a lot of people dont like him. He needs better songs.

Rebecca - Love her too. She has a very rustic, raspy voice thats very easy on the ears

Cher - Even thought theres a lot of hype around her, she's still really good. I like her better with fast songs and she probably wouldnt go as far is she stuck with slow songs, but versatility is nice, right?

Matt - Awesome voice and always has very interesting renditions of songs. Mainly girl songs though. Listen to him when he was in Seven Summers or something and didnt really like him. The songs werent really memorable and ones yo could really sing along to, so hopefully he will change his style a bit.

I've written so many posts today. Anyways. Everyone says to be strong and t o be who you are, and in the end, it will get better. When will i see the end? They say the grass is greener on the other side, but when will i get to the other side? I dont think I'd kill myself. I dont. But I'm slowly dying inside and the more i realize it, the more i want to die. They all say to talk to friends and family, but i dont want to. Like i said before, i dont trust anyone. Its wrong for me to say it, but i dont trust them. I really, really hate people sometimes. I feel so god dammed lonely. Maybe if i had a boyfriend to tell all of this to as opposed to nobody on the internet.

I hate this. I hate myself. I hate people. I hate this world. They all say "It Gets Better" but when? When the hell is it suppose to get better?

Unfortunately, we will not be able to offer you a spot in our junior class at this time. Spots for the junior class were limited and very competitive this year.


Hm. That sucks. Thats 2/2 rejections. I guess I'll give it one more shot before i just.. give up everything. I cant do this. Grad school will be so much harder than this. Than some SAT program. Than some summer program. I'm going to fail. I haev failed. I fail at everything. The interview sucked. I'm so fucking awkward and I'm so anti-social. I don't gegt how people find this all so easy. Fuck this. Fuck... life.

Everyone thinks its so god dammed easy. They think it's like telling people you like cheese-only pizza or you like the color blue. No. It's more like telling people you like the color pink in a really gay way. So gay as a matter or fact, that you might as well not say "I like pink" and say "I'm gay" instead. Something like that. Its not that easy. Coming out of the closet is a lot like jumping off a platform. You dont know how long it's going to take you to hit the bottom and you never know what at the bottom. It could be full of soft bunnies or it could be full of fire. Who knows. And its not like you just jump off once. You keep jumping off and you continue to not know what at the bottom. You can kind of see whats at the bottom depending on the person, but you can definitely see whats up here on top of the bridge, where its hell. But safe.


I might just say up here for a while.

And thats it.

My life is so boring. I have no friends. I have no love life. I have no one to talk to. I'm extremely anti-social. I'm unattractive. I have no self-esteem. I'm gay.

I thought the first step was admitting it.




Now whats supposed to happen?

This is probably going to get deleted later.

I really.. really want to tell people. I've been watching a million videos about it and i just... want to tell people. Its sad because i cant bring myself to do it. It justs so "abnormal" and strange. I mean, where would i even go about getting a boyfriend? Its just.. weird. I dont really get where you're suppose to find someone else who's gay. It'd be so much easier if other gay guys walked around with a neon sign over their heads so i could try to hit on them. But odds are, i'd just walk away cause i'd probably deem it too awkward. That personality test is right. I dont really get how "flirting" and "socializing" works. I also had a really sexy dream last night :) It'd never happen though. There were too many guys involved :D

God, just fucking die already.

What the hell?

God, Get the fuck out of my life. Yes. You. Get the fuck out of my life. Its like you're taking everything that i wanted and everything i did have and fuck, its like you need it all of a sudden. When did people care about you? I'm pretty sure half the world hated you. Maybe they still do, or maybe half the world hates me, and theyre just filling the void. I feel like an idiot speaking so highly of myself. Who am i? Who am i to say i'm better than you? Eh, I say i'm better than you. Fuck you, and fuck everything about you, You ugly fuck.

Out of sight, out of mind.

If i dont see it, it never happened. Or at least, pretend to not see it.

Kyle XY

I've been watching a lot of Kyle XY and one of my favorite characters reminds me of one of the people i dont really like. Jessi reminds me of Erica. I cant really say i dont like Erica. She's ok... at times... She just seems so lost, and i cant help but feel bad for her, but thats about it. Its like... liking a dog.

I told. Not really.

It was a Wednesday and we where going to Jada's house. By we i mean Jasmine, Jada and I. She wanted to get Koda, and i was being lazy, so i put my phones in her bag.(i think) Then we went to the sprinklers so i didnt want to get my iTouch wet, so i put down. Mistake. Jasmine read through everything. She told Jada. The note goes a little something like this:

If you haven't told anyone yet, i suppose thats understandable, but your 15 year old self was so close at some point. At some point, you wanted to tell people. But at that same point, you where also way too scared. Perhaps you learned to face your fears, but if you don't, i know exactly how you feel. I guess id be disappointed in you, but im sure you can say the same thing to me.

You'd have to be stupid not to get it. And of course, Jasmine doesnt get it. Haha. Jada got it. and she guessed it too. Jasmine seemed so... nonchalant about reading through my stuff. She seemed too angry that i didnt want to tell her my deepest secret. I obviously didnt want to tell them for a reason. And if im being honest, she probably wouldnt have been one of the first people i told. She asked if i thought they would tell. I lied. I told them i did trust them, but in the back of my mind, i cant help but not trust them. I still think Jasmines going to tell Nelson. I still think Jada would tell Vanessa or someone. I guess i trust Jada more, but even then, im not sure. Jada felt bad for invading my privacy, but Jasmine couldn't wrap her head around the concept. So i guess my secrets out there. Out there somewhere. Somewhere...safe, but yet, so not safe.

They also asked me why i never told them. Its one of those things, where you cant take your own advice. Where advice just becomes a bunch of words, that mean nothing, yet they make so much sense. Where the action of advising, instantly becomes much easier than the action of taking. Good job, and damn you.

The reason.

Id rather be surprised by something amazing, than be disappointed by what i could have expected.

It was a hot Wednesday, and i was going to get my hair cut. Candy had thought that they had a meeting right after school so we where at Tufts Hospital. Jada was in the bathroom and of course i awkwardly stand outside. After a while of very awkward waiting, an old Asian lady walks up to a broken water fountain trying to wash some prunes or something. Shes asks me in English. "How to work this?" or something equally broken. I reply in Cantonese
"I think its broken"
"Oh, You're Asian. Thanks"
And she walks away. Later, I go to SuperCuts, and the lady who cuts my hair cut my hair really weird. I asked for it shorter. And then shorter. Until it became as short as one of my old haircuts. My long black hair fell to the floor and i realized, there was nothing special about this haircut. It looks the same as when i used to get it next to SunSun. But i went there, baring in mind that i would look different. I would no longer look how i did. Maybe i would look more attractive. Maybe i would look less American. Maybe, i would look more Asian. I'm pretty sure i didnt think of this when i was getting my haircut, but now that i think about it, it all makes sense. I cant balance it. I cant balance different aspects of my life. I cant.

What...am i doing?..

Ive had an hour to think about it. Its 4:30 and i think what i envy most, is stability. Im so jelous of people with stability. People who care. People who understand. People who they can relate to. People with hundreds of friends. People with everything they could ever want. People who know what theyre doing. I think thats why i feel strange when i think of korey. I feel like he knows what hes doing. Like he knows where hes going. I feel like his life is so stable. And im so jealous. I cant lie. Part of the reason is because hes white, and im not. What Quincy said was true. Asians are so lame.

"We received over 360 applications for only 75 jobs. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a job this summer" I guess im just not good enough.

God dammit, i have no idea what I'm doing with myself. I want to get away. I want to stay here. I hate going there. Hockey was amazing and Just cooking food was fun. It felt safe. It felt... like home. I have no idea. I feel horrible just saying this. There's something about being with them that makes everything seem... right.

Its the first day without them since theyre in Canada. I've done some reflection and ive decided... i am one of the most non-social people in the world. I have no idea why i always get nervous when i talk to someone. I'm not even comfortable with myself, what makes me think I can be comfortable with someone else?

Its 3:30 and i feel extremely strange. Whenever i think about hockey or Randolf or Korey or anything. I feel weird. I feel like something is so wrong, but so right. I have no idea. I fucking hate this feeling. I need to sleep, but i cant. I cant. I need this school year to be over. I need it to end.

What am i even doing? MIT about lasers? Students taking charge? I'm pretending to be someone i'm not. I'm pretending to be someone who i want to be, and i know im failing. This is not me. Who am i?